


Ledger

by diathlu



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - High School, Break Up, Character Death, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Childhood, Coming of Age, Crush on an older man, Crushes, Diary/Journal, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Foster Care, Heartbreak, High School, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, Marijuana, Masturbation, Menstruation, School Dances, Sexual Inexperience, Summer, Tamagotchi death smh, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Underage - Freeform, Underage Smoking, Virginity, mediocre sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:10:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diathlu/pseuds/diathlu
Summary: If found, please return to Rey Doe. 4216 Jakku Drive, Colorado Springs.DO NOT READ!(Rey's teenage diary. A companion fic to Floweret.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Companion fic to Floweret. This one, from Rey's POV in the form of a teenager's diary. Enjoy.

_**If found, please return to Rey Doe. 4216 Jakku Drive, Colorado Springs.** _

_**DO NOT READ!** _

_August 21, 1994_

> School starts tomorrow. Trelo is this old guy next door, he gave me this diary to write in since he says I love stories so much. He's nice. Nicer than Plutt. He makes us call him Uncle but I think that's stupid.
> 
> Rey

_August 22, 1994_

> I hate Catholic school. They make us wear boring uniforms and go to services in the mornings.
> 
> Rey

_August 25, 1994_

> I met this guy named Finn today we sit next to each other in science class. He thought it was weird that I'm not eleven yet, but I told him that's because I skipped a grade. He looked surprised, then he said that's pretty cool. I think he's pretty cool. We ate lunch together and he says he's a foster kid too.
> 
> Rey

_September 3, 1994_

> We have a month to sell these chocolates and if you sell enough you can win a bike from school. I want the bike. Mr. Solo next door bought a WHOLE box. He's nice but kinda quiet. He always used to help me after I got hurt when I was little and even bought me colourful bandaids one time.
> 
> Rey

_September 15, 1994_

> Today sucked I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. I don't even hate school or homework, but I don't like English and today we had to write a two page essay! How do I write two pages about some boring story?
> 
> Anyways science class was okay since me and Finn got to work together. I'm so glad I don't go to a girl only school. He's like my best friend. At lunch he told me he wants to be on the football team next year and I said maybe I would do track.
> 
> Rey

_September 20, 1994_

> I'm not going to sell enough chocolate to get a bike. Mr. Solo is the only one who bought any...
> 
> Rey

_October 2, 1994_

> We don't even go to mass on Sundays like they say we should at school.
> 
> Rey

_October 12, 1994_

> Plutt says I'm too old for Halloween and that I can't dress up this year. I told him he says the same thing every so he sent me to bed without dinner for backtalking. I'm so hungry I want to sneak into the kitchen. Last time I did that he squeezed my arm so tight it bruised.
> 
> Rey

_October 15, 1994_

> Mr. Solo said that I can help him pass out candy this year since I don't have a costume! I told him what Plutt said and he told me that he went trick or treating until he was 11 and I said well I'm not 11 yet. He laughed.
> 
> Rey

_October 31, 1994_

> I went to Mr. Solo's house to help pass out candy. He gave me a headband with bunny ears on it and let me eat as many pieces of chocolate as I wanted out of the bowl. I even took some home.
> 
> Best Halloween ever.
> 
> Rey

_November 24, 1994_

> Sorry it's been awhile. Middle school is way harder than elementary. It's Thanksgiving, but we never have fancy dinners like on the commercials. Plutt buys us McDonalds every year, but I never had turkey before. I wonder what it tastes like.
> 
> Rey

_December 2, 1994_

> It keeps getting colder and colder. I hate wearing socks to bed but if I don't my toes will freeze off! I want more blankets for Christmas.
> 
> Rey

_December 25, 1994_

> Merry Christmas. I didn't really get anything but MORE socks and a ten dollar bill. I wonder if it's enough to buy that blanket.
> 
> Rey

_December 26, 1994_

> I went to Trelo's today and he bought me another diary! This one has a lock and a picture of a fairy on the front. I didn't even fill out my other one, but I'm going to start using this one anyways.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 1, 1995_

> I'm writing this right after midnight. Plutt put the countdown on and let us watch it for the first time. I've never seen New York before and now I think I want to go there one day. Maybe I should save my Christmas money.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 10, 1995_

> It snowed so much overnight that school was cancelled. I'm happy because I still have to finish my dumb English homework. I saw Mr. Solo outside today shovelling snow from the sidewalks. He did our driveway and went all the way to our bus stop even though he didn't have to. When he finished it was still snowing so it was futile. I just learned that word last week from our vocabulary list, it means useless. He does lots of kind things that seem useless.
> 
> Love, Rey

_February 14, 1995_

> Valentines Day is only good for the candy.
> 
> Love, Rey

_March 12,_ _1995_

> I'm 11 today... Finally! Two more years and I'll be a teenager. I can't wait. Miss Holdo, that's my social worker by the way, sent me 20 dollars. That makes 30 I've saved so far. Did you know that I'm a Pisces? That's what Jessika told me. I didn't know anything about horoscopes until she showed me a page from one of her magazines.
> 
> Love, Rey

_April 2, 1995_

> Spring is my favourite season. It's raining so hard right now. I'm soaking wet because I was outside until Mr. Solo yelled at me and said I shouldn't play in the rain or I'll get sick. Sometimes he acts like he thinks he's my dad or something.
> 
> Love, Rey

_May 26, 1995_

> Today was the last day of school. I'm sad that I won't get to see Finn almost every day, but he gave me his phone number so I can call. He has a bike so he says he can visit me if his parents let him.
> 
> I'm jealous because his foster parents let him have more fun than mine. It's boring doing chores and homework all the time. Last week I had to “help” fix the air conditioning because summer gets so hot. I did all the work and Plutt just watched! I hate him.
> 
> Love, Rey

_June 17, 1995_

> I walked all the way to the store today and used my money to buy shoes for track next year since mine are so old. I'm down to $2.46 now. I guess New York is still seven years away. I don't even know if I should leave. Sometimes I still think my parents might come back.
> 
> Love, Rey

_July 5, 1995_

> Yesterday was amazing!!! When it got dark and I went outside to watch fireworks, Mr. Solo let me sit on his porch. He gave me a grape soda and even made popcorn. In a few years he says I'll be big enough to sit up on the roof, but I guess it's too dangerous right now. I hope we can watch the fireworks together every year.
> 
> Love, Rey

_August 21, 1995_

> My bus is going to be here in a few minutes. I'm excited to see Finn again because we barely hung out over the summer, but he's still my best friend. I know it's only my second year of middle school, but I can't wait to be in high school already. I saw some of the older girls waiting for their bus this morning. One must have dropped her lipgloss on the sidewalk, so it's mine now.
> 
> Love, Rey


	2. Chapter 2

_April 23, 1996_

> Oh my god. We just started sex ed and today we learned about masturbation. At first I thought it sounded gross, but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to try it. So I did! It was... Weird at first, but then it started feeling amazing. I never thought anything could feel like that.
> 
> Love, Rey

_April 27, 1996_

> I wonder why I haven't had my period yet. I'm 12, so I should get it soon.
> 
> Love, Rey

_April 28, 1996_

> I JUST found out that Mr. Solo is a teacher! How did I not know? I guess because we don't talk that much besides him asking me how I am or saying good morning when I'm out running. I'm starting to take track really seriously.
> 
> Anyways, what was I talking about? Mr. Solo. I asked him what kind and he said English, which I hate. Maybe next year he can help me but there's only like three weeks of school left now.
> 
> Love, Rey

_May 24, 1996_

> The start of another boring summer. Ugh.
> 
> Love, Rey

_June 8, 1996_

> Finn biked over today. I rode on the back and we went to the park where we met up with this girl Rose. She just moved into his neighbourhood and she's gonna go to our school next year. I can tell that she likes Finn a LOT.
> 
> Love, Rey

_June 18, 1996_

> I helped Mr. Solo with his garden today. We planted carrots and spinach and some onions. He says that they taste better like this, so he has to cook for me one day. I didn't know that he could cook, but he does live alone. Wonder why he isn't married.
> 
> Love, Rey

_June 21, 1996_

> I touch myself at least like three times a week is that normal?
> 
> Love, Rey

_July 4, 1996_

> Finn and Rose came over to watch fireworks, but they started making out so I went over to Mr. Solo's house and asked him if he wanted to sit on his porch with me. He brought me a grape soda just like last year. I think he must have been working because he had glasses on.
> 
> Love, Rey

_August 12, 1996_

> Mr. Solo said he won't help me with my homework next year because I'm just going to ask for all of the answers. Does he think I'm stupid? Sometimes he's such a jerk!!!
> 
> Rey

_August 13, 1996_

> Now Mr. Solo apologised for being "harsh" and said that I'm welcome to ask him for help. I just shrugged and said whatever and went in my run. I'll probably ask him for help but I'm still kind of annoyed. He treats me like a child.
> 
> Rey

_August 19, 1996_

> Being an eighth grader sucks because you still have a year until high school and you don't really feel like one of the big kids yet. I still haven't gotten my period. Does that mean I'm not a real woman? It's not like I can ask Plutt.
> 
> Rey

_September 4, 1996_

> The hot water went out again and it's my fault because I'm the one who usually fixes it. I got in big trouble, but I don't really want to talk about it... No dinner tonight. What's new?
> 
> Rey

_September 20, 1996_

> Aspen trees look really pretty in autumn. We learned that some aspens all grow together from the same root, like a family. A family tree, get it? I don't remember that much about my parents but I have a scar on my elbow that I know I got when I fell out of a tree in the back yard. No one was home.
> 
> Rey

_October 4, 1996_

> I saw Jessika Pava walking into the bathroom with a tampon today. She's so lucky. I have hair down there but I still haven't had my period.
> 
> Rey

_October 13, 1996_

> Mr. Solo was raking leaves today. I never realised how buff his arms are... Ohmygod. I asked him why he wasn't wearing a jacket because it was like 30 degrees and he said because it gets too hot after awhile. Maybe because HE'S too hot? Kidding! I mean, that's like thinking my big brother is hot. Yuck.
> 
> Love, Rey

_October 31, 1996_

> This year I went out with Finn and Rose. They know this guy, Poe, who just turned fifteen and he drove us around all night. He said his dad doesn't care if he takes the car as long as he doesn't crash it. That's so cool. We'll get to go to the same high school as him.
> 
> Love, Rey

_November 28, 1996_

> Sometimes I wish we didn't get fall break because it's not like I ever celebrate Thanksgiving anyways.
> 
> Rey

_December 3, 1996_

> Today after school Poe picked us up and he brought cigarettes... So me and Finn tried smoking some, but Rose didn't want to. It was sooooo gross I don't get how Mr. Solo can smoke so much. But I finished the whole thing anyways, and then asked for another one. After that we drove to the ice skating rink in the mall. I'm bad at ice skating cuz it was my first time, but Poe held my hand for a few seconds and it was kind of nice so when I got home I touched myself thinking about where else he could touch me. It felt good.
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 13, 1994_

> I like Poe. I mean, he's funny and handsome and he has facial hair. It's not like Mr. Solo's porno stache (that's what Finn calls it) but I asked to touch it and it's prickly all over his cheek.
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 20, 1996_

> Last day before Christmas break. I gave Rose this bottle of blue, sparkly nail polish that I stole from the convenience store and she gave me a tube of this birthday cake lipgloss. It tastes like sugar.
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 25, 1996_

> Got another diary. This one is pink, with a sketch of the Eiffel Tower on it. Gonna put this one in the box with my older one, then start using the new one.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 4, 1997_

> I'm gonna sneak out of the house today, when I know Plutt is asleep. Usually he just drinks so much he passes out, which means he doesn't wake up. I know I could get in really big trouble, but I don't care because it means I get to see Poe outside of school. Last week, before New Year's I joked about getting a midnight kiss like in TV and he joked that I could kiss HIM. Obviously that would never actually happen.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 8, 1997_

> It's barely the first week back at school and my English teacher already assigned us to read the book Romeo and Juliet. The only good part is that we get to watch the movie that just came out, and Leonardo DiCaprio is super hot. I think I'm going to ask Mr. Solo for help because I love to read but this is like another language!
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 11, 1997_

> Okay so I did go over to Mr. Solo's house today, and he helped a lot. I thought it would be weird because he's kind of weird, but instead he lent me this version of the book with notes. It was easier to understand. Then he let me stay over while I did my weekly reading and he graded papers. Next week, he says he'll make sure he has snacks. Sweet.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 28, 1997_

> I've been thinking about my first kiss a lot, especially after writing a paper on the balcony scene from the book. Two days ago Finn and Rose spent the whole night making out in the back of Poe's dad's truck and we just listened to one of his mixed tapes. I'm not sure how I feel about it WITH tongue. That's seems kind of gross, but I guess if someone like Poe wanted to French I wouldn't say no.
> 
> Love, Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the DameRey.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey experiences some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, this is a companion fic to my other piece, Floweret, which is from Ben's point of view.

_August 24, 1997_

> I start high school tomorrow. The new uniform isn’t that bad, but I don’t like wearing skirts that much. I went over to Mr. Solo’s house to show him. I did a twirl and then he started turning all red... I’ve never made Poe blush like that.
> 
> Love, Rey

_August 25, 1997_

> High school is AMAZING. They don’t treat us like babies anymore. We barely even got any homework the first day, just went around and introduced ourselves. Except in math, we already started working from the textbook. It’s huge, but that’s okay because I think math is fun. Finn is in that class with me and he said I’m totally crazy. Whatever. I joked that he could cheat off of me on tests. Maybe I can be a tutor when I’m a junior. I saw flyers about it in the bathroom.
> 
> Love, Rey

_August 29, 1997_

> Wow I was wrong. This first week of high school has been way harder than I thought! Ugh. Yesterday our English teacher made us write a FIVE paragraph essay to “review our level of writing” like I don’t even know what she means. I’ve gotten Bs in English, and like one C, but that was before Mr. Solo started helping me. I still couldn’t even get passed four pages before writing my conclusion. History is boring and we have sooooo much reading homework. I only like math and science and PE.
> 
> Speaking of PE, Poe said I should come to the football games. Can you believe it? He asked ME. And he’s a junior. I told him I’d make it if I could, but I’m definitely going to every single one.
> 
> Love, Rey

_August 31, 1997_

> I’m sad that track doesn’t start until November. I need a new pair of shoes again. Mine are too small now. I started taking money from Plutt’s stash while he sleeps, but I can only take a little at a time or he’ll start to notice. Maybe if I offer to fix some things for the neighbours they’ll pay me.
> 
> Rey

_September 5, 1997_

> Okay so today was Poe’s first football game and OMG. I never realised how good he plays. I mean, I don’t know anything about football, but he’s really good at knocking the other guys down. After Our school won, he was still all wet after taking a shower and I just wanted to kiss him! He drove me and Finn and Rose to get McDonald’s. He bought me a cone.
> 
> Love, Rey

_September 14, 1997_

> Mr. Solo’s brakes were grinding and the sound was making me go postal every single time he would drive! I told him I could fix it for less than a repair shop if he could get the stuff I needed. He didn’t believe me, I could tell, but I showed him. Now he won’t wake me up next time he’s out late on some stupid date. He’s lucky I fixed them before it starts getting colder.
> 
> Rey

_September 23, 1997_

> I failed my English test today…
> 
> Rey

_September 28, 1997_

> Mr. Solo says that my main problem is that I write with my… Train of thought? He says when I write I don’t join my ideas together in a way that makes sense and that my sentences run on sometimes. I said that I just have a lot on my mind. He asked “like what?” and I just shrugged and said my teacher gives boring prompts. Apparently that’s just the way it is. I asked him if he was as boring and he asked what I thought. I didn’t really know what to say so I just shrugged again and said that all adults seem boring.
> 
> I think that made him sad, but that’s dumb. Why would anything I say to a grown up even matter? It’s not like they ever listen to kids anyways.
> 
> Rey

_October 11, 1997_

> Finn and Poe said that me and Rose should match costumes with them this Halloween. I guess they’re dressing up as characters from this show South Park. I haven’t seen it, but I said yes anyways. Poe says it’s a real place, and that we could get there in like two hours. I’d rather get free candy, but I still said “that’s cool, we should do it” I feel like such a dork. But THEN he put his arm around me and said I’m a really cool chick. ME!!!! I can’t wait to go to the football game this Friday.
> 
> Love, Rey

_October 17, 1997_

> Poe got some weed after the football game and we got “clambaked” in the car. That’s when you smoke with the windows up and everyone gets high, it tasted and smelled so gross. It felt… Amazing. I can’t even explain it. I was like a feather and too heavy at the same time. Have you ever felt like that? Of course not, you’re a diary. It’s way better than cigarettes. I hope we can do it again soon.
> 
> Love, Rey

_October 30, 1997_

> Halloween is on a Saturday. So cool. We decided to dress up and go to Monument where all of the rich people live. Rose says they give out full-size candy bars. I can’t wait. I love sweets.
> 
> Love, Rey

_October 31, 1997_

> We got so much candy tonight, enough that I can share with the younger kids. I don’t really want to, but I know that Plutt probably didn’t let all of them out. Poe walked with me all night. Even held my hand once when I almost tripped on the sidewalk. He is SUCH a gentleman. After we got back, Mr. Solo’s lights were still on so I knocked on his door and he gave me what was left in his bowl. It was mostly twizzlers and smarties which is the crap candy, but I’ll eat it anyways.
> 
> Love, Rey

_November 1, 1997_

> Plutt took most of the candy. I tried to get it back and he got mad. My ribs hurt. He’s such a fat pig.
> 
> Rey

_November 8, 1997_

> I got my new track shoes today. I’m excited to start running more. I had to stop for a little bit because my old shoes were making my feet hurt too much.
> 
> Love, Rey

_November 10, 1997_

> So, I made the track team today after school! I’m not going to be in any events yet, but I get to practice with them. I hope next year I’ll be better and I can start participating in stuff.
> 
> Love, Rey

_November 14, 1997_

> I have so much to tell you. It’s Friday night, it was the last football game of the season and O. M. G. Fist of all, we won so that was cool. Every time we win Poe is in a good mood and he buys weed off of Connix (her real name is Kaydel, but I guess she thinks going by her last name is cooler) and we smoke it in his truck. I’ve never described his truck, but it’s big and red and every girl in school wishes they could ride with him. Sometimes when I’m getting in the passenger’s seat, I notice girls staring. Today, Poe grabbed my waist and help me up since his truck is so tall. I heard someone yell “get a room!” and I was so embarrassed, but like kind of happy that people might see us THAT way. So anyways after that we drove to Cottonwood Park, but we just sat in the parking lot and smoked. The winter dance is coming up so Finn and Rose were talking about that and then Poe turned to me and said “since they’re going together, so should we” and then I said “you want me to come with?” and he was like “yeah, I mean, you’re cute” then we kissed! I mean there wasn’t any tongue or anything, but it still felt magical. His lips are a little chapped and he’s kind of scruffy, but I like it. I dunno how I’m gonna get a dress but I don’t care because Poe WANTS me and I just had my first kiss!!!! I almost thought I was getting punked, until he kissed my cheek when he dropped me off at home. I still feel hot. I’m totally going to think about his lips in other places when I masturbate tonight.
> 
> Love love love, Rey

_November 17, 1997_

> Today Poe said that he’d pick me up for school in the mornings. I really wanted to say yes, but I also don’t want to make Plutt mad since I know he doesn’t like that I go off with my friends all the time. I said if I was running late I’d call him. He’s like the sweetest guy I’ve ever met I can’t believe he wants to take me to the dance. It’s on December 13th, so I’m gonna spend the night with Rose on Friday. We’re gonna paint our nails and everything.
> 
> Love, Rey

_November 20, 1997_

> Today I found out it’s Mr. Solo’s birthday because we checked the mail at the same time and he got a BUNCH of cards. I told him he should be happy because I never get birthday cards, then he looked really sad and apologised. I don’t know why. I just shrugged and went inside.
> 
> Honestly it makes me sad, too. I wonder if my parents think about me on my birthday. Do they miss me? Sometimes I’m not so sure I miss them anymore, and then that makes me angry because I want to miss them. I try really hard to love them, but I can’t even remember the number of days it’s been anymore, but I used to count them.
> 
> Rey

_December 6, 1997_

> I finally got my dress one week before the dance. I had to go to a thrift store… But Rose said my dress was cute. It reaches my knees so it isn’t slutty or anything. It’s blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps. I love it. Maybe I’ll lose my virginity in this dress.
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 12, 1997_

> The dance is TOMORROW. I’m so nervous, I have knots in my stomach. Wish me luck!
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 13, 1997_

> Poe picked us up from Rose’s house and we all went to the dance together. He looked sooooo hot in a suit, and he was such a gentleman. He brought me a corsage and wore a blue tie. The dance was fun, but it’s what happened after that’s exciting.  Ready? I… Lost my virginity! It hurt so it wasn’t that great, but Poe said I was tight aaaand that he wants to be my boyfriend now. We had sex in his truck, and then he drove me home. He kissed me again, this time with tongue. It’s kind of gross, but I can tell he likes it.
> 
> The only bad thing that happened tonight was when I got home. I didn’t tell Plutt that I was sleeping over with Rose, so he wasn’t very happy with me. He yelled and grabbed me. My dress is ripped now. He never hits me in the face.
> 
> Rey

_December 16, 1997_

> I slipped on ice running this morning, and when I got home later that night, Mr. Solo was salting the sidewalks. I know he saw me since he’s always outside in the mornings, too. I’m so embarrassed.
> 
> Rey

_December 19, 1997_

> Winter break officially started today. Poe says we’ll hang out, that maybe I can even spend Christmas dinner with his family. I didn’t tell him, but I’ve never had a real Christmas dinner before. This means I’ll have to meet his parents. I hope they’re nice.
> 
> Love, Rey

_December 24, 1997_

> Poe’s mom, Shara (she said I can use her first name!), is so cool. She’s in the Air Force, which is where she met Mr. Dameron. They’re a military family. I found out that Poe wants to join the Air Force, too. After dinner, he drove me home, but first we parked somewhere and had sex in his car. This time it felt better, but I don’t think I came. I’m not really sure. After that, he gave me a necklace with a heart on it. He’s so sweet.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 1, 1998_

> Last night (last year, haha) Poe took me to Finn’s house, where we all hung out. Rose was there, too. We counted down until midnight, and then Poe kissed me! I can’t believe how romantic my boyfriend is. We had sex in the guest room since Finn’s mom wasn’t home. It was okay.
> 
> Love, Rey

_January 19, 1998_

> Since we had today off of school, so Poe picked me up and we went to the mall before hanging out at his house. Like every time we hang out we have sex and he’s getting better. It still feels better when I touch myself, but I pretend to have an orgasm so I don’t hurt his feelings.
> 
> Rey

_February 2, 1998_

> Now that football is over, Poe comes to all of my track practices and hangs out by the track. Once we did it underneath the bleachers. Anyways, I’m in such a good mood because of that and I got an A on this English paper! It’s all thanks to Mr. Solo, since he let me come over and checked my paper. I told Poe to drop me off next door and went to show him right away. Mr. Solo must have been weirded out when I gave him a hug, but I couldn’t help it. He joked about putting my paper up on his fridge, then gave me a soda before sending me home. Sometimes he’s really nice.
> 
> Love, Rey

_February 14, 1998_

> Valentine's Day is a weekend this year, so I hung out with Poe all day. After he brought me red roses, we went to the rollerblading rink with the disco ball and all of the colourful lights and stuff. I was really bad at skating, but he held my hand so I wouldn’t fall. After that, we went out for pizza. He paid for everything like a real gentleman.
> 
> Love, Rey

_February 26, 1998_

> Today my coach said I could be one of the best runners he’s seen in years. Next year. I’m definitely going to participate in events. I need to practice harder than ever.
> 
> Love, Rey

_March 1, 1998_

> 11 days until my birthday. I secretly hope that Poe will do something special. Fingers crossed…
> 
> Love, Rey

_March 12, 1998_

> I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. Poe broke up with me today. I told him it was my birthday and he didn’t even know. My stomach hurts. I’m supposed to be 14 and I feel like crying for the third time. I thought he loved me like I loved him, but I guess if my own parents don’t love me, why would anyone?
> 
> Rey

_March 13, 1998_

> I skipped school. I’m going to get in trouble, but I don’t care. I just jumped Mr. Solo’s fence and hung out on his porch until I heard the bus pull up, since it always comes before he gets home.
> 
> Rey

_March 16, 1998_

> I saw Poe even though I tried to avoid him. He said he still wants to be friends, and I said that’s fine. I’m so stupid.
> 
> Rey

_March 23, 1998_

> Poe is dating Jessika Pava now. Of course. She’s so pretty and nice, I can’t even hate either of them.
> 
> Rey

_April 14, 1998_

> I’m glad school will be out next month. I just try to focus on track and homework now.
> 
> Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on twitter @nsfwars.


	4. Chapter 4

_ August 28, 1998 _

> I know I slacked out on my writing over the summer. Didn’t really do anything except yard work around the neighbourhood so I could get new running shoes for this year. I think I’m gonna focus on track and my PSAT. Maybe if I do really well on it, I can take the SAT next year. Mr. Solo says he’ll help me study. Must be smart if he went to a fancy school in New York.
> 
> Rey

_ September 14, 1998 _

> Hanging out with Finn and Rose when Poe is around feels totally weird now. I didn’t really speak to him after our break up, and Jess is always like hanging off of him. But at least Finn says he’s going to get his own car after he passes his driver’s test. He’s almost sixteen. I wish I was turning sixteen this year like everyone else. I already know how to drive, Plutt taught me when I was a kid, and Poe used to let me drive his truck when it got dark out.
> 
> Rey

_ October 20, 1998 _

> I’ve been studying a lot with Mr. Solo. He isn’t just good at English, he’s good at math and humanities, too. It makes me happy when he tells me that my writing is improving, because I think he really means it from the way he talks to me and looks at me. It makes me feel… Weird. Special, I guess. Not like how my actual teachers make me feel. Maybe it’s just because he’s my neighbour and he looks hot with his shirt off.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ November 16, 1998 _

> I finally get to start indoor track. I think I’m going to do outdoor, too, that way I can do it for most of the year. I thought I wouldn’t be able to start until March this time around, but Mr. Solo said he’d give me the money if I raked his front and back yard. I thought I would be miserable this year, but he’s so helpful it make things easier. I’m even starting to be friends with Poe, and Jessika, again.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ November 20, 1998 _

> I’m not very good at baking, so I just bought Mr. Solo a cupcake from the store on my way home. Sometimes I like to walk, since autumn is so pretty. All of the aspens get red and yellow, like something out of a painting. He wasn’t home, so I waited around, but after awhile I got nervous and wondered if he’d think it’s weird. I ended up going home and giving it to a couple of the younger kids.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ November 26, 1998 _

> I still hate Thanksgiving. I just read some magazines and listened to music all night. It’s never special. Plutt didn’t even bother bringing home food tonight, so it was the usual microwaved crap. He probably got drunk and forgot. Or just doesn’t care. Maybe I should stop caring, too. Whatever.
> 
> Rey

_ December 9, 1998 _

> A few of the kids got moved to different homes a week ago. I guess I’m happy for them… But Plutt was angry afterwards because he said it means less money. The fridge is almost empty now. My stomach hurts. I hate having to get free lunch at school, it’s embarrassing, so sometimes I just don’t eat. I can’t talk to my friends about this, they wouldn’t understand, they’d overreact. I’m used to it, it’s not a big deal.
> 
> Rey

_ December 19, 1998 _

> I went to a track meet today and won two events! Hurdling, and a long distance sprint. Afterwards, Finn drove me and Rose to McDonalds and we got fries and a McFlurry. It’s the best time I’ve had in awhile. I’m lucky to have best friends like them. Finn even said that next year, he would help me with getting my licence since I told him Plutt is going to be too busy. Truth is, he’s just lazy. I’m not nervous, I just want to be able to drive as soon as possible. Then when I’m 18 I can go wherever I want to go.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ December 25, 1998 _

> I think TV is lying when they show those happy families at Christmas with sparkly trees and mountains of presents. I feel more like that movie where the kid’s parents leave him alone and go on vacation, except my parents never came back. I wonder what they’re doing now, if they have a new daughter that they like better, or if maybe they’re just dead.
> 
> Rey

_ December 27, 1998 _

> I went to visit Trelo yesterday and he gave me this new journal. Then today I saw a couple of cop cars and an ambulance at his house. I guess he passed away. I don’t know how I feel. I think I’m only going to write about really important things because I want this last journal to be special.
> 
> Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On twitter @nsfwars.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming to a close. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my little side piece. It's been a really fun experiment, definitely unlike anything I've written before. Writing Rey's POV for Floweret felt really important for the story as a whole, and doing it as a series of diary entries just seemed so appropriate for a girl coming of age in the 90s. I'm sure many of my peers remember that difficult, confusing time when the world was changing sooo fast, and we had to, too.
> 
> Anyways. I'm super emotional about this. I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. ; u ; /

_ February 14, 1999 _

> Valentine’s Day. Gross. Finn gave Rose this promise ring today. I guess it was kind of cute. I think they really will get married one day. I wonder if I’ll ever get married.
> 
> Rey

_ March 12, 1999 _

> My birthday wasn’t so bad. Finn said that Maz wanted to invite me over. She made a cake with pink frosting and one of those tamagotchi keychains. I guess I have a pet now? Even Mr. Solo said happy birthday when he was out pulling some weeds from his driveway this evening. I jokingly yelled over and told him that it would be better if he took off his shirt and then RAN home! What in the world was I thinking???
> 
> Yay 15.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ March 26, 1999 _

> I’m sad that it’s the last day of track… After the whole team went on a run together, we met on the track for a pizza party. I’ll keep practicing, but I’m going to miss them until November.
> 
> Rey

_ April 3, 1999 _

> I love the rain. I think Mr. Solo does, too. I noticed that he always cracks open his window and reads when it rains. Or sometimes he goes out to drive, and most people here don’t do that.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ May 28, 1999 _

> I graduated this year with a B+ in English. If Mr. Solo hadn’t helped me all year, I definitely wouldn’t have gotten so far. My goal for next year is an A. He said that’s a good goal, but he’d be proud even if I got a B again. No one has ever really cared about my grades before.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ July 4, 1999 _

> Went to Cottonwood Park to watch fireworks after smoking pot in Finn’s car. We’ve been hanging out all summer, just me and Finn and Rose since Poe is so busy getting ready for college and Jessika is spending all her time with him. I guess he wants to go in Denver, which isn’t really that far. It was a good night. I love getting high and watching the lights in the sky.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ August 9, 1999 _

> First day of Junior year. Officially an upperclassman!
> 
> Love, Rey

_ November 15, 1999 _

> Finally get to start track again, and I have new shoes after raking Mr. Solo’s yard. He has like four big trees in the back and two in the front, so he paid me a lot. Plus I already had a little saved up, but not as much as usual since I’ve been buying my own food most of the time. Coach says he thinks I could take the lead at even more events this year, so I want to practice even harder.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ November 20, 1999 _

> It's Mr. Solo's birthday. I asked him how old he's turning. He didn't look very happy when he told me 30.
> 
> 30! He doesn't even look 30 at all!
> 
> Love, Rey

_ December 31, 1999 _

> The news keeps talking about Y2K. I guess the world is supposed to end at midnight or something…
> 
> Plutt is so mad. I hate the way he grabs me and throws me around when he gets drunk. He put a cigar out on my arm. I hate the way skin smells when it burns. It makes me feel sick. I'm going to have to wear long sleeves for weeks. I hope the world really does end tonight.
> 
> Rey

_ January 1, 2000 _

> Well… The world didn't end last night. And I think that's okay. I went out for a run after everything, but on my way back Mr. Solo asked if I wanted to come in and watch the ball drop with him. He poured me a glass of sparkling grape juice and we watched the countdown on TV. I must have fallen asleep sometime after that, because when I woke up I was tucked in on the couch. I could smell Mr. Solo cooking bacon. I think I might love him. Not like I thought I loved Poe. This is different, like it's more real. I don't know.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ February 14, 2000 _

> Since it's Valentine's Day, I have a confession to make. I've been thinking about Mr. Solo when I touch myself. The first time, it was an accident! He just popped up into my head, but after that I started doing it on purpose. I mean, he's so big. And he's older, and I like his hair. I really like when he pushes it back behind his ears and his glasses start falling off a little. I doubt he's a virgin since he's like 30 and actually kind of cute, so he probably knows more than Poe did. I spend a lot of time with him now, but it's just tutoring… Which is guess is a good thing, because I really want to impress him now. I'm going to get an A in English.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ March 13, 2000 _

> It all makes sense now. That, or I'm being totally stupid and delusional.
> 
> I think Mr. Solo likes me. He always gets red when I tease him and says things that make me feel weird. I tried to flirt with him today, but he kind of flipped out. I thought I was gonna have to leave, but he had a present for me. A necklace. No one has ever given me jewelry before. I don't even have my ears pierced. It has a golden sunflower on it and he said that it makes him think of me. What does that even mean???? And then he recited this really pretty poem… Am I crazy? Seriously, tell me if I'm crazy. I'm never going to take off this necklace, not even when I'm sleeping or in the shower. I don't want anyone to swipe it.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ May 28, 2000 _

> Guess what? I got that A! I'm so excited to show Mr. Solo. He's going to be so proud of me. Maybe we can even celebrate...
> 
> And speaking of celebrating, I might as well add that Finn, Rose, and I all went to IHOP for pancakes after graduation. I can't believe we're all going to be seniors next year… It's weird to think about how long it's been and how much we've done. Even though I'm not really convinced our last year is supposed to be the best, I kind of hope that it is. Who knows where all of us will end up after this? It's not like I have a cell phone! I'll have to make an email next time I go to the library, or maybe just use the computer next door. (Totally NOT an excuse to see my hot neighbour.)
> 
> Love, Rey

_ June 9, 2000 _

> Mr. Solo smokes in the mornings so he can watch me run. I notice how much he watches me now. He must have been watching me all these years, and I'm not sure if that's creepy or romantic… But I like him so I guess it's not bad if it's a little bit of both.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ June 14, 2000 _

> I'm not really sure why I bother sneaking out anymore when it's not like Plutt would care if I just walked out the front door. Maybe I just like pretending that he would.
> 
> Rey

_ June 20, 2000 _

> Asked Mr. Solo when he started smoking and he said about my age. I asked if he always wanted to be a teacher and he said hell no! When he actually starts talking, he can be kind of funny. Honestly, I still don't even know what I want to be. I think working with plants sounds fun, or water. I want to help the Earth. Mr. Solo says that I should take my time thinking about college. He's probably right… If I go all the way to New York, I'm scared that I'll never be able to see him again. It would be so weird after living right next door for my whole life. Maybe New York can wait. Denver is only an hour away.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ July 4, 2000 _

> My friends wanted to hang out for fireworks, but I decided to go to Mr. Solo's instead. I teased him a little and asked if he had any grape soda. He said he didn't, but that this year I'm old enough to go up on the roof with him, so we did! It was kind of scary. I thought I would fall, but Mr. Solo said he'd never let that happen. It made me feel safe, and I never really understood what that felt like. His voice is so deep and warm and sexy, I could fall asleep listening to it, and I might have if the fireworks hadn't started. Sometimes I'm not sure if he likes me, because he always sits far away and never touches me, but I want him to like me and touch me and sit close to me.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ July 12, 2000 _

> Rose and I were reading this magazine and it had so many dirty articles… How to play with your man, how to mesmerise a man, his lusty wish list. Oh my god! I wonder if any of the tips really work. Some of it sounds like stuff I've already tried, so maybe I'm just crazy after all. Mr. Solo is so much older and mature, I'm probably just a stupid kid in his eyes, but that's not going to stop me from trying. If he sees how hard I work and how serious I am, he'll know I can be mature like him.
> 
> Love, Rey

_ July 21, 2000 _

> I don't want to tell Finn about my crush because I know how he'll get, but I finally told Rose. She says it's scandalous, whatever that means. Okay, I KNOW what it means, but nothing is even happening. Even when I made him pancakes the other day, he still sat all the way across the table. How come a guy living alone has a table that big, anyways? Why does Mr. Solo live alone? I wonder if he gets lonely, because I get lonely and I don't even live alone. I guess I really don't know that much about him.
> 
> Rey

_ July 30, 2000 _

> I was right. I don't know anything about Mr. Solo, except that he's a big, fat jerk and I never want to talk to him again! He really does see me as a child, so what's the point? I like him so much, I just wanted to hang out with him tonight, but when he came home he got angry at me. I don't know if it was for stealing a cigarette, but they were just sitting on his back porch. So what? He said he started smoking around my age! I wasted my whole entire journal writing about him, and I'm pretty much out of pages now. By the time I finish this, I won't have any more room to write. This was supposed to be special, I was supposed to tell fun stories like Trelo always did. He gave me these journals so I could write the important stuff down, but instead I wrote about my lame, old neighbour who isn't even that hot. I thought I was a little special because he helped me so much. Whatever. I don't even care. I'm going to hang out with Finn. Bye.
> 
> P.S. I stepped on my stupid tamagotchi when I got home so I guess it's dead.
> 
> Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to read Floweret (also by me), or you're missing out on more than half of the story!
> 
> I'm on twitter @nsfwars. <3

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything like this before. Let me know how I'm doing!


End file.
